How to Stay United When Holiday Expectations Clash

Audio By Carbonatix

Can we just be real for a moment? Everyone…and I mean everyone, heads into the holiday season with certain “expectations.” And to be fair, those expectations may change from year to year, depending on current situations, energy levels, and attitudes, among other factors that can sway us to throw up that Christmas tree the day after Halloween or decide not to partake in any festivities at all.

Honestly, this year, I am ready to get out the Christmas decor as of yesterday! Our neighbors across the street already have their 6-foot-tall nutcrackers out by their front door and are currently stringing up lights on their rooftop, so I don’t think I am being unreasonable. That said, I am usually the one to wait until closer to Thanksgiving or at least the day after to bring out all the twinkling lights. My husband knows this. Yet, this year feels different, so when he found me climbing out of the attic with my beloved snowmen in tow, the look on his face told me everything. Let’s just say his emotion did not match my eagerness to replace all the pumpkins in our living room.

Can you relate? Maybe you and your spouse aren’t on the same page when it comes to holiday expectations. Maybe you have family members who are pressing all your hot buttons, and it’s causing more stress than “merriment.” Ugh! When the holidays clash with different expectations, it can really put a damper on the season. So, how do we approach this issue with grace, poise, and tact?

Consider the Reason for Your Expectations

The way we approach each holiday season shapes our perspectives and how we wish to celebrate it with family and friends. So, take a moment to consider your current expectations and why you feel the need to hold on to certain traditions or embrace new ones. Ask yourself a few questions:

1. What do you envision for this holiday season?
2. What gives you the most stress or feels overwhelming?
3. Has something happened this past year that has shifted your perspective on this holiday season?
4. What would make this season most meaningful for you?

Once you gain a better understanding of why you are holding onto certain expectations, it will allow you to open up a line of communication where you can share your heart with family and then listen to the hearts of your loved ones in return.

Remember that Emotions and Memories Play a Huge Part

Our childhood plays a significant role in shaping our holidays and traditions. It can also evoke a wide range of emotions as we cling to memories of the past, bringing on a familiar and comforting wave of nostalgia. Yet, when we marry into families with different values and customs, those holiday traditions don’t always blend well and can cause a bit of frustration or even strife.

We must keep in mind that the holidays are quite sentimental and can stir up a great deal of emotion as our brains connect our childhood with the present and even the future. Try to be patient with your spouse, loved ones, and yourself. Often, misunderstandings escalate into larger issues because we secretly harbor bitterness when we fail to share how we are feeling.

That said, before the holiday season gets into full swing, pause and pray with your spouse and ask God to bring forth a shared vision that will allow you both to bring in memories of old, while also creating new memories as a family—together.

Be Willing to Compromise and Embrace Flexibility

So, you have prayed for clarity and to release some of your expectations in order to blend family traditions. You yearn for unity and for the holidays to be covered in peace and His presence, yet something still feels off. Perhaps that one family member is not budging when it comes to Christmas Eve church service, or your dear spouse is adamant about going to his grandmother's for Thanksgiving, even though you planned the meal to take place in your home. The truth is that frustration can easily grow and zap all your joy when multiple people gather with various mindsets.

Oh, but friend, compromise is not about foregoing everything you have envisioned this holiday to be; it is about embracing it by finding a healthy balance and setting boundaries around your family time. Realize that in many cases, you will have to be flexible, which may mean attending a few church services or having a Thanksgiving brunch at home and then heading to dinner at Grandma’s house.

When we effectively communicate our boundaries in a loving manner, we can have memorable holidays with our families. That may mean asking your spouse for some time to soak in the silence of the season with undisturbed reading time or asking certain family members to be aware of their actions and words around little ears. It is certainly okay to be upfront and honest about your expectations to protect your own and your family’s peace.

Make Room for Lots of Grace

Once again, let’s go back and re-hash a very real and true statement that was shared from the very beginning, and that is: “Everyone heads into the holiday season with certain expectations.” We all hold fast to our beliefs, customs, and ideals of how we want this all to play out. Not only that, but with this time of year sparking waves of various emotions, including grief and sorrow, we must realize that for some, this holiday season will be one not to celebrate, but rather to get through.

Honestly, not everyone is going to share their expectations or understand yours. Some may put on a brave face but inwardly be wrestling with the pain of sitting at a table that now holds only memories. Others may be walking into this season with past trauma and have a difficult time embracing the beauty this season truly holds. While another could be bouncing off the walls in jubilant joy when all you crave is a little peace and a “silent night.”

As Christ-followers, we must extend lots of grace wrapped in compassion and love. After all, isn’t that what the holidays are all about? That extension of love could be meeting a grieving friend for coffee, offering a helping hand to your mother-in-law who seems frazzled in the kitchen, or cozying up to your spouse and allowing the warmth of this season to flood your heart with gratitude. We have the chance each day to choose joy and unity.

A Prayer for Unity this Holiday Season

Father, we are so grateful for the blessings of family and friends in a season that invites us to gather around and share peace, compassion, and love. Please lead and guide us to temper our expectations by acknowledging our own intentions and then humbly sharing our hearts with those we love in a gentle manner. Allow us to have an open mind, soft heart, and be willing to truly listen to those that we love as they share what this season means to them and how they celebrate. May we find a way to communicate effectively, be flexible, and compromise to maintain unity within our homes and as we meet with our extended family and beloved friends. Lord, above all, we want to honor You in this season and experience the beauty of Your precious presence. Amen. 

Related Resource: 5 Ways to Face the Holidays Together

When it comes to the joy and the stress of the holidays, how do you and your spouse approach it? As a united team? Or do turkeys, tinsel, and extended family get-togethers tend to turn you against each other? If you aren’t sure how to face the holidays together, we share five ways you can navigate the season hand-in-hand rather than back-to-back. If this episode helps your marriage, be sure to subscribe to Team Us on Apple or Spotify so you never miss an episode.

Alicia Searl is a devotional author, blogger, and speaker that is passionate about pouring out her heart and pointing ladies of all ages back to Jesus. She has an education background and master’s in literacy.  Her favorite people call her Mom, which is why much of her time is spent cheering them on at a softball game or dance class. She is married to her heartthrob (a tall, spiky-haired blond) who can whip up a mean latte. She sips that goodness while writing her heart on a page while her puppy licks her feet. Visit her website at aliciasearl.com and connect with her on Instagram and Facebook.